Mental Health Check list

Today marks 20 weeks. 5 months.

Ever since she died, I’ve become too aware of time. Losing people does that. So today I won’t do the weepy thing. Instead, I’ll tell you some things I’ve learnt about losing someone to suicide and generally losing someone.

Perspective. This life is fickle. Do your best. Hug those you love. Tell them you love them. Show up for your people. So that when they go, on their own volition or not, you will never feel like you didn’t do all you could.

Giving love a chance again. It is possible. Especially for people who have been where I am. You’ll ask yourself, “Is it too soon?” “Is this a betrayal?” It doesn’t demean your loss. That can never change. But you can’t stop living because someone else has stopped. We owe only ourselves happy endings. Also, the dead don’t care about what the living do.

Therapy is important. I can’t stress this enough. You will need someone to hear you and understand you. Your family and friends mean well, but they are biased and often, don’t have perspective.Also, find a support group if you can. You’ll hear stories that will make you appreciate the worst story of your life.

Take your time. There are days you’ll feel like you’re drowning. Be kind to yourself. Sometimes all you’ll do is make your bed, and that’s enough. Time will pass, and the important days you looked forward to together will come, and you will weep. But that’s okay. Cry so that you can be free to feel other things.

There is no blueprint for grief. You feel how you feel and that’s alright. Strength is overrated. Tell me how you found air when grief was suffocating you. You don’t owe anyone a happy face or being okay.

Mental health is hectic. We all need to take a gaze internally and seek professional help when we feel we need to. Your friends are not your therapists. Neither are your partners.

You have more grit than you think. I’m very emotional and a closeted pessimist with the softest heart and here I am, breathing.

Protect your sanity at all costs. Those demanding jobs will be there. Friendships will be there. Those that have your back will always be there. Don’t stress yourself. It’s not a matter of life and death. Overlapping feelings is not healthy. So, choose your battles. Sadness doesn’t go well with anger and stress.

Life is fluid. It really does get better. Aki it does. I swear it does. I cross my heart and hope to not die. It does. Believe me.

THE GENDER GENERATION.

Gender equality is a necessary goal for all civilisations.
…It should be.
Growing up, I always heard this statement, “What a man can do, a woman can do better”
Back then, it sounded very savvy and progressive but looking back, I think that infamy mocks itself. It is untrue. It is a comforting lie and more than anything, it is such lies that have eroded the spirit of a beautiful culture and a destroyed the strength of our girls and our women.
It is as much a false statement as claiming, what a woman can do a man can do better.
It’s simply not true.
The moment we started treating the matter of gender equality like a competition, we lost the plot. The longer that competitive attitude persists, the goal for equality for the sexes will continue to be elusive.
Nature gave each of us, even men in their individuality, very unique and special functions. There are some things you can never do as well as the next man. And conversely, there are things that the other guy will never match your skill on. And this transcends our gendered conclaves. What men are born to do, for instance, protect, provide, women can do but whether you accept it or not, while they can do it, they do it with greater strain alone and most not as well. And to put the point in perspective, what women are created to do, say, nurture or heal, men cannot do nearly half as well on a good day.
Those people who insist that we can all and should do the same thing to be equal are destroying our abilities to execute what we were created to do. The only way to achieve gender equality is by giving each gender the time, space and opportunity to do what they do best, best. What women can do is indispensable to men and vice versa. If we can perfect our natural roles, we show each other exactly how useful we are to one another but more importantly how useless we are without each other. And that is the true idea of equality.
So, when you tell girls, act tough when you go for that interview if you want to be taken seriously, you’re destroying what’s beautiful and unique about her, gentleness perhaps. You’re robbing the job of her unique qualities. And when we get in the habit of changing who we truly are for benefits and the like, we deny society what we offer in our true character, we destroy society. Aping roles and imitating qualities does not foster gender equality, it fosters competition in one gender and rips talent from the other. We can’t kill the idea of a woman hoping to make her stronger neither can we weaken the nature of a man hoping to make him loving.
Where strength fails we can find strength and where love lacks we can create love. We can be truly equal without necessarily being similar.
I think, maybe for too long we’ve been trying to stand face to face instead of working to stand shoulder to shoulder. Again, gender equality shouldn’t be a competition. It ought to be completion in a sense.
So, I want to believe that women should be taught to be women and men, men. Then in that way we remind each other we were created truly equal and we cannot live any lesser.

CONSENT LAW

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I think this is one of the hardest blog that I have written so far. It has taken me the longest time to actually sit down and put the words together.

MEDIEVAL CONFIDANTES:

When the year started I set out to write two posts a month. Well am not fairing so well taking into consideration that its been seventy days (yes one, two, three… seventy!!!) since my last post but whose counting? Anyway for sure my lack of writing cannot be pinned on the proverbial writers block whose defence- all writers use when their creativity waivers, first because I am not a writer and second, well we shall come to that later…
I’m not coming back in style either way. If not for the fury of getting stabbed by confidants whom I deemed reliable and in the contrary they left me ‘high and drying’ when i needed them most. For the record stay away from friends who always make empty promises; they will only disappoint you and fake another promise to deliver dissapointment. 

Honestly, it’s not that bad as you think. In the spirit of the new year and in the spirit of just trying to get my general shit together, I’m making an effort to get things done right If it’s a matter of principles. I never override terms that I set myself. If it comes to friendship I never let my pride overrule my interaction.

 So if you feel infringed by any form of interaction like for instance if you’re friends because of something or someone trust this: “It wont hold for long before you’re left in an interlude of a rock and a hard place.” Note that friends come and go and thats natural so make it natural to review your list even if it means FAMILY!!! Family is no reason to hold implied relationship either-way, but if it is… thats not family anyway.

Just that you know the mid-life crisis revolves around the ideas you shared in your medieval times, if you spent your time dwelling on how to hunt side-chiqs with your mediaval confidantes, its in your midlife-crisis ( an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age) when you’ll be replacing your partners with sidechiqs… God—FORBID!!! You’re a consequential product of your inbuilt thoughts. Therefore its time you replace those lame talks with constructive mature ones before they replace you. 

Principles that dictate;

 “Anything that can be replaced need not to be depended on.”
#LeWord!

SOLITUDE

Occasionally, I forget why I love writing so much and my blogging presumption drops precipitously, until I come across a scenario that jolts me out of my funk. This doesn’t take a while; relationships typically freak me out, how things work out too fast to backfire.

​When your wife does homework for your kids and they all get zero’s; That’s the time you start remembering all the times we told you it’s not always about physical beauty…

I came to realize that relationships are Just about stories, not truth.Therefore  as I try convincing you, as individuals, we each have our own personal mythologies, the stories we tell in order to make sense of ourselves to ourselves. There’s that time we sit alone in the dark thinking of the things we’d do without relationships. That generally works fine as long as we stay sane and single, but the minute you enter an intimate relationship with another person there is an automatic dissonance between your story about yourself and his or her story about you.

Do you ever feel like going away, far from the noise; of people, your phone, traffic, bills just away by yourself to a place where you do not have to worry about anything and anyone?

 

THIS IS MY STORY;

I am not here to write any story. It’s not that I don’t have any, I have lots of them. But the main reason why I am writing here is to express affliction and water-weight understanding of what these stories entail.

For the better part of the beginning: {The beginning of the end of my previous relationship}

Of last year I felt like running away from my world as I know it. I wanted to go to a place where there is no technology, where I do not know anyone and no one knows me. Where I will not hear the latest news in our family, or even worry what I am going to cook for supper, or when the next class assignment was due.

Maybe I wanted to run away from the responsibilities but maybe I just wanted to recharge, to feel something different, reconnect with myself and listen to myself without all the distractions. I was in perfect dissonance with myself for failing in love.

If relationships do you more harm than good. May you guys who hurt you always step on a wet spot after wearing socks. May they get pimples inside their noses. May an army of termites invade their armpits. May they diarrhea on their honeymoons. May all their downloads fail at 99% (Mideva Givens, 2017)…

Inspired by Mideva Givens.

 

YOU’RE NOT IMPORTANT EITHER.

When we start a blog, most of us are just hoping to get noticed by a few people, get a comment here or there and maybe even build an audience at some point. For the majority: the latter never happens. After a few weeks or months of seeing little to no results, we simply give up. But then there is another set of folks, certainly the minority, that are able to break through that initial slow period and gain traction. And as the traction builds, so does the audience, the comments, the tweets, the shares.

Today’s intention is farfetched : this is not your ordinary blog. You’re about to face one of the fears no one will ever tell you except when you contemplate your adversary on the face of death. A while ago, that’s barely two days. I met Emily Bokar at one of my common hideouts in Upper-hill “I-HUB Nairobi”. She’s probably not that iconic figure everyone else knows. I’m about to pull a throwback to give you a joist about this epic lady E-M-I-L-Y B-O-K-A-R.

November 2009, President Obama was escorted by his Secret Service detail through a cordoned VIP section near the foot of the stage. Scanning the small crowd, his face lit up with delight as he moved over to a young woman and pulled her into a heartfelt embrace. Depicted from behind, the mystery woman’s face was obscured. Yet anyone within earshot picked up a clue to her identity: “Emily!” the president exclaimed. “What are you doing in Alaska?” Emily Bokar can’t recall exactly what she answered, but she remembers thinking, “Living my dream. Just like you.”

Bokar at 28 was Obama’s digital strategist and a key role player for the Obama campaign to White-house, after working for more than four years as one of his key aides. Arriving in Alaska to her was like: coming home to a place she’d never been before. It was love at first sight – or first moose sighting. Before this point she had prioritized on turning people down since she was irresistible element in the Obama government, but today she can tell you nothing is more important in investing in connection and social interaction.

At times we carry the weight of the world feeling completely responsible and out of  line. Having worked in White-house she gladly moved out expecting a diplomatic treat having engineered a way for Americas first BLACK president. Sadly that was exit from the White-house corridors.

Nobody outside of your immediate family and circle of friends really cares very much about you because you don’t impact their lives. Most people are focused predominantly on themselves. They have neither the time nor the energy to devote to people that have little effect on them.

Plus, somewhat ironically, the only concern most people have for you is their own misguided self-consciousness about what you are thinking about them!

When you think other people are thinking about you, it’s actually you who is thinking about you. When you believe others are being critical of you, they’re not. Are you a mind reader? Of course not, we humans aren’t clairvoyant (though we like to think we are). So when you think someone is thinking badly of you, it’s really you thinking badly of you. You’re not as important as you think you are.

COURTESY WON’T HURT!

​Don’t ask me where I have been the past three fridays. Despite not posting anything on my blog I’ve been busy rummaging through the entire sphere of creative buggers. Trying to explore the dimensions of life…

 ​I’m walking in town holding a cappuccino soaked in sugar and thick chocolate cream and coffee. It’s rather cold and a bit muddy, yester-night it did rain. Just by my arm holding another paper bag hanging off with a quarter steak barbeque pizza; 

I come across this young boy (probably 12 years).  I’m used to see him each and every morning. As usual very punctual to his spot, most likely he wakes up very early to get to town so to ask for few coins from by passers. “Brathe sijakunywa kitu aki nisaidie…” he says. His voice is very faint that I think he’s been probably hungry for days. But for today I feel he’s not sincere. Today being  one of those fine day I’m taking breakfast in town, but definitely it’s not on my bill. I consistently try to put him off but it’s in vain;  “bro kesho pia ni siku…” I retaliate back. But he’s very persistent as we walk side to side …  he follows me from the August Memorial park to the entrance of transition authority.
This resulted a change in heart so I decide to hold a talk with him as  I put my hand on his shoulder. Sure enough this wasn’t a mistake; confidentially he tells me he’s from Majengo and he’s called Brian and all his parents abandoned him. It’s a major coincidence to find my name sake in the streets early this chilly morning.  Probably it hits me that “Brian’s are go getters and quite ambitious”. Now I find a friend I can advice… after a long talk I give him a note from my pocket and whisper some words to him that I know will help as he struggles to make ends meet in the Nairobi streets “life is hard but dont try to steal.”

“Our main purpose in life is to help others..  If you can’t, at least don’t hurt them”

THE LIVING WORD.

​ There are times when life is more than the update on Facebook, the tweets, the Instant Messages, and texts. Sometimes, the important times, it’s about looking beyond the abridged, the instants, the clichés. It’s about discovering what God is really trying to say to you.

G.White sought “It’s not earthly rank, nor birth, nor nationality, nor religious privilege, which proves that we are members of the family of God; It is love, a love that embraces all humanity, a love that creates a warm bond with the less fortunate in society.” It’s very-very easy to slip into complacency and become relaxed in religion.  As Man can’t stands still with the humanly desires. He is always being pulled or pushed in myriad directions. In whichever direction he is swaying in, he gathers pace in that direction. The more the person carries on down that path, the more difficult it becomes to stop and change direction. Such is sinful life the more you get into sinfulness the robust culture of inequity, immorality and moral decay builds inside you as a stooge.Henceforth people related by Faith should use the expression of peace and heartfelt love to address each other. Thus Islam taught Muslims to say “Assalamu alaykum” (meaning ‘Peace be upon you’) and replaced all other forms of greeting. 

In this small greeting is hidden an excellent and comprehensive prayer, kindness and affection for the young, and respect and attention for the elders. As a result the perfection of Christian character depends wholly upon the grace and strength found alone in God. God tests and proves us by the common occurrences of life. It is the little things which reveal the chapters of the heart. To some people you may be the only Bible they ever read.

SHOULD YOU FALL FOR HER..

​To all the boys masquerading as men; and men who mistakenly think they are God’s gift to women; to husbands who have rings and yet do not understand what being a husband entails; and every married man who is a disappointment to the society.

Dating an intelligent, confident woman, you can’t avoid arguments. Sometimes you have to drop your pride and listen to her.. Or date a “sheep”. So if she cannot cook and she says its fine, just stick by that. It’s fine you’re in a relationship not a restaurant. I highly attest to the fact that anyone can drive a relationship right with a right attitude.

But if today she tells you “love is not all about money” don’t be be too vague to believe that clique. You can never pay your bills with a hug, at least that I know.

Isn’t this what people go through in marriage? I have always admired getting married one day but am a bit scared now! Where does the first love go to when people get married? Isn’t the time people should fall in love more? I know that marriage is not for everybody, myself included.

I do not know much about love, but I know I have been hurt before and it was so much pain it sent me on my knees. I was numb for weeks, my eyes looked like those of one stung by a wasp. The smell of fresh bread would remind me of her, the sound of footsteps approaching, even the face of an actress who appeared in our favorite film, and I would become more numb. Nobody ought to be hurt and nobody ought to go through such pain!

 Should you fall for her; don’t hurt her..

PAN-AFRICAN DREAM

​​It’s really nice witnessing the emancipation of the future leaders of this country and Africa in general. This reminds me of the pan-african dream, I have always screamed about this but many ignorant folks dismiss it claiming I’m stuck in the past. But the only past I’m stuck in is the one Thomas Sankara left unachieved, it’s the same past that Carl marx left for me to persue so that we can have a better kenya that Prof. Muta Mathai wanted.

I can’t agree anymore. You have laid it bare… the real freedom fighters never got to taste the joy and fruits of their strive. The traitors were cunningly imposed. Traitors who never understood the cost of freedom still swim in the same blood that was meant to bring us redemption. 

The most unfortunate part of it all is that any leader who emerged to challenge the establishment was eliminated by the colonialists and their puppets ‘in-charge’.. That is the tragedy that befell the likes of Thomas Sankara and Che Guivera..

I refuse to be counted in a regime where bloodshed is the order of the day. A regime where your voice is noise, a regime where elections are won to be revealed later that they were stolen, a regime where we vote on tribal lines, a regime where the whistle blower is a culprit of a corrupt deal gone sour, a regime where we’re ruled by father and son become president like it’s a monarch [and you still want to convince me of free and fair election] 

 That is a regime that needs a revolution.. independence wasn’t gained through negotiations blood was shed and lives were lost. I’m unafraid to bring change so If today you see me agonizing about the status quo that’s the same purpose for which my blog was born. The only purpose in life remains my tagline “rebelling against status quo and rejecting mediocrity”. Untill that’s achieved “the better days are still ahead of us”.

PAN-AFRICA died long before I was born. The only PAN in AFRICA I know is the one that fries us in TRIBALISM CORRUPTION and NEPOTISM.